Have you ever felt like you need to continually explain yourself? For example, I find myself saying.."Well, I would have called earlier...but..."
or
"I would be working more hours.....but..."
and
"I would be in better shape....but..."
"I'd have more friends if I hadn't just moved...and"
"My house would be cleaner if...."
"I'd be smarter if...."
"I would have worked out and ate better today if..."
"I'd be a nicer person if..."
"I'd be a GREAT wife....if..."
I find myself trying to prove myself to myself, my husband and worst of all, I unconsciously try to show God that I am "capable." Why do I do this?
I think it's my lack of knowledge of God's grace. I guilt myself into doing things all of the time so I can "feel like" I'm "a better Christian." This is such the antithesis of the theology of the Bible. How did I get like this? Why do I feel like "I" need to make myself be a better person.
I'm reading "What's So Amazing About Grace?" by Phillip Yancey. A friend recommended it to me while I was in college. Honestly, I perused through it so she would quit asking me about it. (sorry, Jessica!) I totally missed the point of the book. My husband suggested I read it again this summer. It's as though I am reading something completely different. I am beginning to understand that I really don't know what grace is. Scary thought..huh.
My old church in Norfolk and the book I'm currently reading has showed me how extremely mixed up I've been. If I have believed in God's grace all of these years...why haven't I lived like it? Why am I still trying to explain my deficits to God, my husband and myself? Why do I keep trying to just make myself be a better person? Why am I still plagued with anxiety about my life and my personal merit? I'm still weighing through all of this.
I believe in salvation. I believe in God. I'm still trying to figure out why it's hard for me, and presumably other people, to accept God's grace AFTER we confess our sins. I know I CAN'T personally make myself be a better person....but it's in my nature to try.
Whew...this is such a hard topic to wrap my brain around....even though I would have said I completely understood it when I was 16.
So, share your thoughts folks. I know you are out there...I have a google analytics account! :)
1 comment:
Like most things, I think we keep learning more about grace as we mature. We know, we apply, we fail, we learn a little more in depth, then repeat the lesson over and over again.
It's frustrating, but effective.
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